Ugh! I suck!

So once again I really suck! I don't know how to get in the swing of things. I feel like if I blog it should have at least one picture or it's not interesting. It takes too much for me to take a picture with my camera and then upload it onto the computer and I hate my "new to me" phone and it takes awful pictures anyway. So....Xavier is 9 months old now! He is so smart and so sweet and has probably one of the greatest personalities I have seen on a baby. The day after he turned 9 months old (this past Sunday) He took his first steps!!! I was so in shock I had no idea babies could walk that early. Of course he isn't fulling walking. Only taking steps here and there but I think he could be walking within the month for sure.

Malique is doing awesome in football! The 5-6 team is awesome and hasn't lost a game. The 7-8 team on the other hand let's just say they need more practice :( But my baby! He is rockin out there. I am so super proud of him!

Keelan.....Lord in Heaven I love that child but he makes me crazy. I don't know what to do about his behavior. I am at the end of my rope. My night last night ended with me balling my eyes out begging him to stop because I felt there was nothing else I could do. And when people tell my things like "Oh he will grown out of it." or "He's just being a 4 year old." No I am not an expert but I have enough sense to know that his behavior is not normal. Yes a child may get upset and pout maybe even throw a fit if they don't get there way. But when the fits are 45 minutes of screaming as loud as possible, throwing yourself on the ground, or like yesterday he threw his face into a pole and busted his lip that is not normal. He takes food out of the kitchen in the middle of the night doesn't eat it just makes a mess with it, mostly smearing it on the walls or floor. He gets into stuff and not because he wants to play with it. He does it to break it or tear it up. On top of everything else he doesn't sleep or not long anyway. He usually goes to sleep at about 12-1 am and is always up when I wake up at about 7am with definite signs that he has been up and into everything. About 3 months ago he started urinating in his room on the carpet and walls even though he had a fully functioning bathroom attached to his room. We moved a month ago and so far I have found no signs of it here.  He acts out the most when we are out in public and he has a audience. He tries to hurt Xavier when no one is watching. (Usually while we are in the car) He has done things like shoving his hand down his throat, pinching him, and smacking him in the face. If I were on the outside looking in I would say he is jealous and not reacting well to the baby. But he has been acting like this for 2 1/2 years. He was an awesome baby! And then he turned 2 and it was like a different kid. I don't know how to cope or how to deal. I feel like a horrible mother like I am doing something wrong. We have tried everything we can think of. Time out, spanking, grounding him from outside, no tv, no toys, giving him ALL the attention. Sometimes he can be the sweetest child ever but those moments are becoming less and less frequent. I honestly do not know what to do. I feel like if he is this out of control and he is only 4 I hate to see what it will be like when he is older. I don't even know if a doctor would take me seriously. Last time we talked to his doctor she said to ignore it and he will stop. Well that doesn't work! i just want me sweet little boy back. i have thought about called Center Stone which is a mental health center here that deals with ADD, ADHD, and other behavioral issues but i can't bring myself to make that phone call. It's like I am embarrassed.